I do not know if I will ever get a target audience. If I am writing this purely for the therapy that writing provides me, or if someday I will give this link to a friend; perhapse discreetely to my husband, or maybe I will distribute this link freely. Maybe I will turn into a internet celebrity. Then thousands of people would read these intimate ramblings of my poor wasted brain. Whatever Im gonna write it, and I dont really care if anyone reads it. Im gonna just say the shit thats in my head and hope that no one gets offended if this crap ever really gets out.
Shit- sure my husband is a private man. Yeah he gets the heebie jeebies when I kiss him in public. Talking about our grande love affair to friends (or in front of strangers even ) makes him cringe uncomfortably. This blog is probably a violation of his trust.
He watches Kevin Smith and Rollins on stage- describe their most intimate foibles and gross habits. They bare their very souls and show the most embarrassing secrets of their loved ones to a live stage of hundreds, to be re-released in the form of audio, video and even the tell-all novel and (what might be worse ) online blogs wich can be downloaded for free without paying a thing by anyone. ANYONE could be reading this.
This is posted on the internet wich is available worldwide. His mother could be reading this blog. Yes some day someone could tip her off.. to casually mention to her, "By, the way Marie-did you know your sons wife keeps a online blog? Did you know she mentioned you? I took a look... and well I hate to say it but the blog is well.. rather unusual. Maybe you dont want to see it even. Some of those... well stories are, err. strange to be sure. Some of the diary parts.. are, how do I put this... A little on the racy side you know? Now... Marie, I dont want to allarm you or anything, but well if it was me, I would want that taken down you know? Would want her to remove it all because its kind of well embarassing. For you I mean. I am embarrassed for you Marie. I really hate to be the one to tell you. But you should call her right away. Call your daughter in law and ask... no Demand that she remove that tripe at once. Cause Marie the internet doesnt bellong to her you know. Its all of ours. My kids go on that internet Marie- and I dont want my kids reading that crap!"
I guess it would go something like that.
And then two days later there would be the inevitable phone call. Not to me, I wouldent be getting it. My beloved would. He would take out his cell phone, wrinkle his nose, go to his room, and answer his phone. He would stay in his room for the better part of a hour. There would be pacing. There would be the sound of doors opening, a snatch of conversation that I hear fade in and out as other doors close. I would hear my name, voice raised is that anger, or irritation. What have I done now? Is he really complaining about me to his mother or is he bragging to her about me? I dont get it how am I supposed to act when he comes out, smug or appologetic? Am I supposed to appologise for whatever latest shinanigan Ive gotten up to or to hang my head in shame for the "bad girl bad bad girl!" the whack of the rolled up newspaper on my smarting nose. The body posture of submission overtaking me and me sulking off to the corner to pout untill he should remember me, to call me over and to accept my humble appologies before rolling me over to rub my belly and to show that all is forgiven, you really do still love me after all... you will let me sleep on the foot of the bed after all and I can come up in your lap now for a little attention before we retire.
In fact its more likely that he will print this, he will then go over it for mishpellings and. for . its poor. sentence structure/. He will then mark on it with red pen using litterary short hand wich I dont understand because frankly I dont have a useless English degree that tells me how to write so proper. To perfectly use the sentence structure laws and how it is widely known that one should never end a parragraph in this fashon.
What if my mom reads this. She will write me a email 4 years after I have given her the link, she will read like 4 of the posts beginnings, though she cant concentrate long enough to finish them. She will email me a letter wich tells me how fantastic and avant guard my blog is. She will remind me how I wrote a story once that was about a harpy giving birth. How very moving it was and how fantastic a imagination I had even then when I was like 10 years old. She will go on ad infinitem about how amazing I am, and then turn the conversation back to herself where she will go on and on about how well she is doing, How amazing are her friends and contacts, do I know whats happening with some friends of hers who she was friends with when I was a child but whoom I couldent give two shits about now, they werent my friends I dont know the people, understand who they are, what their goals, ambitions, desires or what makes them interesting. You might as well go into a extensive story about someone whos name you found randomly in the phonebook, how you researched their life through the internet, how they resemble you in outlook or ideals, and how fond of them you are. I DONT KNOW THESE PEOPLE!
Then she will talk... no brag about herself for like what seems like 3 hours, telling me in no uncertain terms that her life is the best life, she is so interesting, everything is grand and perfect, meanwhile she is heading into her golden years and has litterally nothing to show for her life but grown children whom she treats like strangers untill they are completely isolated from her and from each other (or am I the only one?) and I no longer know how to relate to you. I dont know that we continue to have a relationship to tell you the truth.
Honestly I dont know if its me, I mean I think I understand my father pretty well, I dont relate to him on a emotional level much, but then my mother was always the more emotional of the two. He is lets face it a vulcan, or a cyborg. I admire him for his consistance, and his intellect, I am fond of him and he has pretty much always done right by me, assisted me when asked, and been there to answer questions, teach etc.
But I digress and this blog is starting to sound like the kind of letter you start writing to someone, chicken out, ball up and discard so that you dont harm them or yourself with your bizzare ramblings and vent your own pain at the expense of anothers mental wellbeing.
blah, blah, blah, blah, yea 2010 hope your a better year than that last peice of crap! naw just kidding I loved 2009 really, yeah I did. Love you too hunny! And mum... you dont need to write me a angry email. frankly Im astounded if you truely made it this whole way and diddnt like read the first paragraph and the last sentence like this one before sending me the nasty email im sure to get now that Ive really gone and posted this blasted blog post online... For everyone to see... on the World wide web-what was I thinking???